I am amazed at people who can talk for long over the phone. In turn, these people think I have no etiquette and am completely unsocial.

We Indians take a while to come to the point, and we attribute this trait of ours to our 'inherent warmth'. A typical conversation between two typical Indians goes something like:

Receiver: Hello

Caller    : Hi R, this is XYZ...how are you?

Receiver: I'm fine, except my dog is having loose motions and my neighbours' newspaper was not delivered today.

Caller    : Oh! Give your dog a mixture of banana paste and haldi (turmeric). When my cousin's dog had loose motions last month, she didn't give him the mix and it took the poor beast ages to recover. Oh, how sad it was...looking at the jolly dog sulking in the corner with a forlorn look in his watery eyes.

Receiver: Really? Just a second... (covering her mouthpiece slightly)... Ramu-kaka, jara kuchh kele le aana aur thodi si haldi...

Caller    : And don't give your neighbour your Indian Express if he comes asking for it. Remember when your paper was soiled last time by rain and he hadn't given you his paper? Bugger deserves to not read the news today!

Receiver: Yeah, I know. And what's up with you?

This goes on for about ten minutes before the Caller lets in the real purpose of her call..

Caller    : You know, my maid called in sick today, can you ask yours to drop by once she is through at your place?

I cannot stand such conversation. So my only recourse is to gently slip away everytime my sister makes or receives a call! This holds true in office too. Most of my colleagues will make small talk for an inordinately long time before they ask the other person what they actually called to ask about.

My standard opening line when I call someone is:

"Hi XYZ, this is R. How are you doing?"

XYZ will typically go:

"I am good, except my dog..."

Then, I am like:

"Great, so listen, can you mail me the presentation you made to V last Thursday?"

When I am called, the conversation is even shorter:

Me:       “Hi Sanjay, how are you doing?”

Sanjay: “I am good, except my dog…”

Me:       “Haan, batao, how can I help you?”

I have been told in subtle and not-so-subtle ways that I come across at cold, aloof and clinical on the phone. Why am I like that when in ‘real life’ I am “so warm, involved and outgoing” (sic)?

The truth is I can’t talk to a gadget. I need someone in flesh and blood to let go of my reserve. It’s even worse when I know that the other person is simultaneously checking her email and/or painting her toe-nails while I am talking away to the phallic instrument in my hand. I can’t be the one that helps alleviate the other person’s boredom by wasting the time I could gainfully utilize by checking my emails and/or digging my toe-nails (not painting them, please note!).

So, if you happen to call me, please ask me what you have to ask me within 10 seconds of my answering the phone. And if I call you, I would appreciate if you didn’t tell me about the malfunctioning of your pet’s bowels. Call me whatever you feel like, but please keep the call short.